The past week has been difficult emotionally. In three days’ time it will be three years since I developed GBS.
I know that I am lucky to be alive, lucky that I’ve never hit a plateau and that there is still improvement every week, lucky to have loving friends and family.
What is hard to contend with is the fact that my active life – as I knew it – was put on hold and I don’t like the sedentary life I have to contend with on a daily basis.
As I wrote in a previous post, I am not depressed just despondent. I am afraid of something silly. I am afraid of the calls and messages I’ll get from people who will want to be happy that I’m still improving after three years, while all I want is to forget that I’ve lost three years and that I’ll never be as strong and active as I was.
So. What is there to do? Wallowing in self-pity is not the solution. Embracing the new me is. I need to be Buddhist in this respect and contemplate the Four Noble Truths. I am suffering because I am attached to my thoughts about my previous self. I must look on those memories as “Thank you God. You gave me many active years that I made full use of.” My new physical situation must be accepted and I must do things that will give me satisfaction and help others.
I am a Christian. I believe that Buddhism is a philosophy and that its teachings can be appreciated and practiced by everyone irrespective of their religion.
It’s time to work on some of the points in the Eightfold Path: right intention, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration. I’ll never have peace of mind unless I progress out of this unfulfilled state.